What is on the other side of difficult conversations
One of the most common topics I coach on with the leaders I work with is……how to manage and have a difficult conversation. This can be with a loved one or a team member. There is no perfect way but I have some powerful suggestions of how to prepare for conversations that you’re finding you’re avoiding or even the thought of them is causing you some stress.
Oh and to be perfectly honest with you this is something I am actively learning with my coach and therapist. This is where the rubber meets the road in our lives. These conversations are where we disrupt our own stories that keep us small. This is where our team truly understands our position and also our values. This is where truth and respect live.
There is a process to preparing yourself for a difficult conversation. This is how I support myself and clients in this process.
Be honest with how you are feeling about this. Is this fear, anxiety, just some mild resistance? Name all that is happening in your body emotionally when you think about this conversation. Describe it, be with the emotions and stay as curious about them. Observe this experience. There is insight here.
Why? Why are you feeling this way? Let the mind reveal to you all the thoughts and stories that are coming up and creating that emotional experience. Let it rip, write down everything you are thinking.
Reflect and Go Slow Here: It makes sense, yes? Don’t the emotions that you are feeling make sense with those thoughts and stories about what happens if you have this conversation. Doesn’t your resistance feel warranted?
Honoring your emotional experience unlocks the stuck feeling. These stories feel like truth, it feels real but it is simply your mind making sense of the situation you’re facing. And it is legit.
But these thoughts and stories can be protective and can be fear based. You have NO IDEA how it is going to turn out. But truth be told NOT having the conversation can cause way more harm than having it, AM I RIGHT?
Now the gold. You don’t have to be super confident to step into the next step. Clarity and self reflection are enough. You have an understanding now of what your mind is doing, without your permission, and you’re clearer.
6. Set an intention for the conversation. What is your destination: understanding, clarity, expressing yourself or is it what you’d like to have happen next time after an error. Do you need to be witnessed as to how this person’s behavior affected you or the team.
DEEP BREATH…..what would you love to have happen as an outcome of the conversation?
Write 3 key points that you want to express.
Set a time to chat.
Take a deep breath. Be prepared to go slow and listen but honor your 3 important points.
Don’t sugar coat it, share why this conversation is important to the other person. Help both of your nervous systems to calm down.
THEN GO!
Every single time- every single time - these conversations go better than you think WHEN you take the time to reflect and stop reacting to your circumstances.
What is this inviting you to?
Sorry, not sorry if this has reminded you of something you need to follow through on.
This is what I know, your best life comes from being heard, intentions being understood and truth being told. It is always good for everyone.
When I’m really nervous about something, my brain needs a method and simplified talking points. Honor your need for difficult conversations, great good happens when we brave and self reflect through them.
And now that your brain sees the good that came out of it, the resistance can decline for next time.
All the love,
Diana
p.s. I have been having some of these with my family and OMG the beauty of getting through these is epic. We are all heard now and creating new paths in our relationships. It makes me so happy. AND is creating more confidence in speaking up in my whole life. It's worth it, I promise.