In our lives there are just those days, where the dark emotions and ‘bad day’ persist.
What You’ll Learn From this Episode:
- Remember, our mind can be managed but it DOES NOT cure us of being human and having a human experience.
- Self Judgment is the glue that keeps us stuck but there is an antidote.
- Take a breath and ask a few questions.
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I originally titled today, Unstuck from the Yuck!!!! so cute…..but I do not think that the tough days of business ownership are cute. One thing about being a strong business owner, a super charged business builder & leader is that the hard days can be so perplexing, unnerving and just feel awful. The podcast today is to help you to not let these days derail you, to give you a little 20,000 foot perspective on what is going on when everything feels like it is falling apart or on fire. Or as one of my favorite client’s likes to say a Dumpster Fire.
In our lives there are just those days, where the dark emotions and ‘bad day’ persist. You are washed in overwhelm, you can’t concentrate, you’re feeling pretty crappy and it just feels like everything is going wrong. You’re having a REALLY bad day. And all you want to do is feel better and be able to move forward.
These are the moments that mindset just doesn’t seem to work. AND even in client series where my clients are applying all of the tools I share here, we’ll have strong sessions together and they still can get stuck in the yuck. I still get stuck in the yuck, I’ve been coached and self coached for 6 + years. We still can have these tough days.
So is the coaching not working? Is your confident mindset broken……No, something your life has triggered an ugly set of thoughts.
Remember, our mind can be managed but it DOES NOT cure us of being human and having a human experience…..
Our thoughts create our feelings. We can change our thoughts any time we want to change our feelings. However, we have a brain that loves sameness, predictability, pattern OH and leans to the negative.
The brain loves a rut and can fall back into it any time it feels like. This is merely an invitation to manage it.
I did a class for my cohort of clients this week on this topic and the words on my whiteboard are burnt into my memory. I just knew I had to bring them to you.
What is happening during a really bad, high stress, you want to quit all of it day!!!
*your judgment is what is keeping you stuck– we’’ll start there
*outside opinions can help–get some truth tellers to speak into your experience
*you are human– it’s complicated 50/50
Self Judgment is the glue that keeps us stuck but there is an antidote. Self compassion and Curiosity. It starts with interruptive questions. This is the beginning of mind management. Interrupting the Thought/Feeling Cycle that is creating guilt/shame/discouragement etc. it is absolutely the place to start.
In the middle of it, take a breath and ask a few questions. What are you believing right now that is heaping the crappy emotions onto the crappy thoughts. Are you mad at yourself for making a mistake? Are you even mad that you’re not all happy, motivated etc? Stopping these VERY unhelpful conversations is the first step.
Take a breath and ask a few questions.
what’s up? What are you believing right now? Is there another way we could think about this? You might feel crazy having this convo with yourself but trust me, there is an ugly voice in your head already. It’s time to interrupt with some curious compassion.
This self talk sentence has helped me the most when I am just in it. ***Of course you’re discouraged, because you are believing ___________about this current circumstance. insert the thought you are believing right now.
Expectation around my 1st (podcast). I wrote a very ugly story…..it was not helpful……and it was a lie.
There’s a second way to come out of these tough days, these tough emotions. Lean into and get support from a true friend, mentor, coach. Any ally, NOT someone who is going to chime in and believe your ugly story. But Someone who might give you constructive feedback but also someone who will cheer you up by reminding you of the truth about you. Resilience requires community, and I can’t think of a better time to be discerning who you speak to when you’re feeling this way.
Our natural reaction is to isolate……do yourself some good by getting support from those that care about you and will tell you the truth.
Last but not least. No matter how successful you are, no matter how strong and resilient you have been YOU ARE HUMAN. There is no telling why our mind will slip into crappy, self destructive thinking. Not only is our experience of life 50/50 but what is SO powerful and available to you, you have a 50/50 option of how to think about your situation right now.
Lost biggest account
Guilt, messed up
Just sick about it
This is going to ruin your year
It’s going to be difficult to win other business
Lost biggest account
I do think I made an error there, but I can shift how we respond in these situations
I can get some constructive feedback (team,big account,
I can leverage this experience to improve
This gives me space to bring an even more ideal client in this year
This might have been the wake up call I needed
There are ALWAYS 2 ways to think about a circumstance, it takes brave work but always give your mind an opportunity to get curious and open about all of the OTHER possibilities not the worst case scenario.
Our brain loves to catastrophize, it thinks it is helping. It is doing the job it knows to do.
You are knowing better, by
*being aware of your own self judgment
*choosing curiosity and self compassion
*getting the support, insight you need
*accepting your human experience
*you can be calm about the negative 50
*you can put your mind to work on brainstorming the positive side of things
This is how you turn around
The bad days are inevitable
You can lift out of them quicker by understanding what is going on and leading yourself out of them.
Remember most of all, nothing has gone wrong. Slow down and give yourself some space to slide out of the hardest moments ever. This is the essence of resilience. This is the essence of growth when we’re up to important work in our businesses. Working and resting, yes our brain will be noisy but you can also build evidence that having blocks of time to recover, or adding some flex time to your week or simply taking a walk or nap in the middle of the day is not only ok but FUELS your business and you. But as we experiment with these, the brain can get noisy……ignore it’s tantrum and it will quiet down. Because you will start building a case of how a powerful rest rhythm really IS working.
There is another sneaky reason we overwork. When we are experiencing a lot of negative emotion, it is a powerful buffer. It is softening the blow that we’re sad about something, frustrated about something. It helps us to ‘feel’ better or ‘feel productive’ instead of experiencing the emotions that are up in our life.
Overworking is one of the most effective buffers known to man……..
Our brain interprets negative emotion as danger. Yet negative emotion is simply a vibration, sensation in our bodies. The brain is screaming warning danger ahead, that small part of our brain that works subconsciously but is not always helpful. So it LOVES to avoid experiencing those emotions at all costs.
Overworking provides a buffer, just like over anything. Over eating, over drinking, over SMing. It distracts your mind but it also robs it of being present. That is why I’m discussing it here. It steals our joy too. We take the day off and we don’t quite know what to do with ourselves. We keep on moving instead of stopping and taking a needed breath.
Back to the pandemic why am I overworking, because it is so much easier than it feeling like groundhog day. Because I want to avoid my discouragement that I cannot travel to see my family. Because I just want to feel better.
How do we stop overworking?
- Plan your day intentionally: Pick 3 top key items that need to be done and if you get them done, take a break and decide on purpose what to do next instead of reacting all day.
- Be in touch with how you’re doing. Identify your top 3 emotions you are experiencing each morning. This is a great way to be present with what is going on vs racing through your day trying to avoid them.
- Build trust in your decisions by always asking what IS working in your business. When we give our mind the evidence we can build momentum and confidence in the work we have put in. Confidence that we can put our businesses to bed each night and close them on the weekends OR any day you choose.
I will get into this in another podcast but one reason overworking steals so much from the business owner is it robs you of thinking ABOUT your business vs numbly being in it in reaction mode all of the time. That’s what makes it work to try these 3 steps.
Be intentional with your work day, stay in touch with the emotions that are riding along and trust that amazing work you are doing.