Ep #18: How to Build a Confident Mindset

Welcome to Empowered Wellness for Leaders, a podcast that teaches CEOs, entrepreneurs and sales leaders how to deal with the unique challenges of balancing a high-stress career, family, AND their own health. Here’s your host, Certified Executive Wellness Coach, Diana Murphy.

I have to remind myself not to drink four cups of coffee before recording a podcast. I?m just going to apologize ahead of time. I just had the most delicious brunch. And although that was about the food, the company was even better. I had a great time visiting with a fellow business owner and every time we get together, we learn so much from each other.

I highly encourage you to carve out time for these types of meetings in your busy, busy life. It was encouraging and it also just gave me so much energy and insight. Again, sorry about the caffeine; I?m a little jacked up today.

Alright, I?m creating a Q&A episode and I?ll need your help. So will you please email me any question you have about any podcast or anything that I?m bringing through the podcast series. You can email me, Diana@dianamurphycoaching.com and just note on the top Q&A Episode, or leave a comment on any of the episodes that you have questions on and I?ll see those notifications and start compiling them so that I can bring you that episode. I can?t wait to hear what is going on for you and also to clarify any of the concepts and examples that I teach so that they?re truly, truly helpful to you.

Alright, on today?s final episode in the Mindset series for this month, Mindset May, I can?t wait to talk to you about confidence. As I finish writing this episode, it became clear to me that this is really about building confidence in the light of fear. It?s a contrast, right.

We can either make decisions out of fear and take a little or less impactful action, or the worst, procrastinate and get stopped in our tracks. Or another way, take action out of the tiniest seeds of confidence and experience growth in that area. Confidence is certainly a mindset, but when practiced, it can be so much more.

I?m really talking about creating a confident energy; building confidence in the way that you?re showing up, in your business or career as a leader. Confident energy is attractive and one of the most important ways we can grow in influence, making important connections and attracting and leading the people that we want to be serving and or working with.

I?m going to share with you today how to build confidence where you might not feel like you have any, but you really want it ? you want confidence in a certain area ? and also to share with you how to regain it when it appears to be lost. We say often, I lost my confidence.

The good news is that confidence can be learned. It?s really a skill. But also, when we?re humming along and everything?s going great and it gets disrupted, there is a way to regain it, and I?ll talk about that a little bit at the end of the episode. I?ll explain more and unpack this, but I want to illustrate with an experience I had.

I attended a large conference in Atlanta a couple of years ago that was being given by two very well-known keynote speakers and trainers in the coaching industry. During this event, we had the opportunity to experience seasoned speakers and not so seasoned speakers. And truly, what I believe was the key difference between them, as I observed, was their confidence and the way that they showed up.

They all had great content to deliver, but you could quickly tell who was confident and who wasn?t. And I knew for sure that I was a confident person, but I found myself with huge envy for those on stage that were delivering so well. It really got my attention.

At that point in my business ? this was a few years ago ? I had already built a beautiful website, I?d been coaching and conducting workshops, but there seemed that there was always something new to learn. I was still pretty overwhelmed by the beginning of building a business.

So during this conference, I observed other business owners and coaches. I realized there really was a choice in how to show up. It wasn?t just the speakers, it was how these business owners were showing up in our discussion groups and our networking sessions.

I decided right then and there to show up confidently. Why? I like the feeling of it and when others had it, it was infectious. When others showed up shaky and not so sure of what to say, it made me uncomfortable.

And I?m not talking about stage presence. I?m talking about how you exude a confident spirit when you work with, converse with others, coach others, sell and lead and manage others. And I?m also talking about when you?re creating your plans for your business.

Your decisions and actions will look really different if you?re making them from a confident energetic place. And that?s where I?d like to go today, to share with you the steps to start building confidence in an area that?s getting your attention.

So the first step is recognizing where you have a desire to be confident; I?ll explain more. The next step is believing you can be confident, even if you?re starting out a little bit shaky. And last but not least, taking brave action no matter what. And this isn?t about pushing yourself but stepping in and taking some risks.

Is there an area in your business or career, even in how you?re relating to others, that you just don?t feel very confident? Is there a facet of your business that you procrastinate and avoid like the plague? Yep, am I freaking you out a little bit? That?s okay; that?s what this episode might just be bringing up for you.

It might be bringing up a fear trigger around an area that you want to be taking action in and you just don?t know how to get from shaking in your boots fear to confidently walking across a big stage. And that was a metaphor, by the way, but I love that analogy. What do we need to do to become that person that can stand up in front of a large crowd?

And it might look different for you. It might be stepping out and doing a podcast, it might be having a tough conversation. Whatever is getting your attention right now, it?s the perfect opportunity to build confidence.

Even though many of us think about confidence as a personality trait or something that we either have or don?t, it?s really a decision, and that is the good news. It?s responding with a decision to be confident and take steps to build on it.

So where do you have the envy of other?s confidence? You know, when you walk up to a conversation or you see somebody doing something and you go, ?I wish I could be like him or her.? What?s getting your attention in what I?m discussing today? What area would you choose to step in? Start there.

So that?s your first step. Then it?s believing that you can. And it?s not with mantras like, ?You can do it, you?ve got this, just do it.? Although those sometimes help, they?re sometimes better reminders than for those of us who are starting somewhere new. It is giving yourself some space to learn.

As I realized I wanted to be able to confidently speak on stages, to confidently work with potential clients and have great conversations with them, when I realized I wanted to be calling more referring partners and making more phone calls and connections, I kept thinking several new, almost neutral, thoughts.

And they look like this; I will learn how to speak on stage. I will learn to manage social media. I will learn to get support where I need it. I?m willing to do this. I?m willing to do it not so perfectly. I know I can serve them. I?m proud of what I?ve done so far. I?m willing to take some risks. It?s worth it. I know I have something to offer.

Any of these statements, these are just offers to you of a way that you can believe in a new way. And for me, what I believed is, I could learn, I knew I was willing, I was willing to do about anything when I started my business and I created thoughts that created a feeling of possibility instead of I couldn?t do it.

It gave me space to grow and to not expect perfection at first. And for sure, it felt so much better than feeling overwhelmed and procrastinating. And by the way, it was so much better than that ugly inner-critic that kept goading me with messages that were just not true. So focusing on those new beliefs were really helpful when those ugly thoughts from my inner-critic came up like, ?You should know how to do this by now.? Or, ?You have got to be kidding me; you think that person is going to talk to you or no one?s going to work with you.

Who are you to be doing this? I had a lot of imposter syndrome. A lot of us do when we?re growing, but that?s all blah blah blah. Think of Charlie Brown speak when I talk about the inner critic; they?re just not beliefs or thoughts that we should be thinking.

What did it boil down to? It was a willingness to do it afraid and to keep doing it when it did not render results right away. That?s what I call the last and crucial step. So first it?s recognizing where you want to grow, where you want to be more confident. Then it?s believing more thoughts, believing that you can, providing space to take action. And next, taking brave action ? let me explain what I mean.

Why aren?t we confident? What?s really at the bottom of the issue? It?s fear; our fear of failing, our fear of exposure, our fear of letting others down, our fear that we might do it wrong ? again, imposter syndrome a little bit, if you?ve heard that phrase.

We don?t build confidence by honoring and indulging in fear. We build confidence by taking action anyway. Fear keeps us small and focused on ourselves, focused on what we can?t do. Courage moves us to brave action that is focused on what is possible. It?s helpful in a powerful way.

It?s almost seeing the results in your mind ahead of time. And what?s fascinating to me, when we are brave, it does become much more about those that we?re serving and not ourselves. I find that fascinating that fear turns us inwards and very self-centered but being brave helps us to kind of see the vision of those that we want to serve or the people that we?re leading, the people that we?re working with.

I remember when I was learning this very early in my business from my master coach Brooke Castillo. She even suggested daily doing something that scares you. It was something I so resisted, but I knew this; when I picked up the phone to invite an HR director that I really thought was a fabulous person and a really great leader to lunch, great things happened.

When I wrote a vulnerable email to invite people to my first workshop a year ago, great things happened. I learned I really loved doing them and they really were serving others. When I wrote emails to big business owners in Atlanta, there were some people that wanted a conversation. When I decided to go all in on this podcast, I know it?s something I?m really loving doing and I?m getting a lot of great feedback.

And recently, I joined a mastermind with very brave and ahead of me coaches. Wow, that took a lot of courage and beautiful results are already happening because of that step and I know there?s many more ahead. It?s such a beautiful thing. It really is; getting courageous and just doing it anyway, even though it feels uncomfortable.

I learned something every single time I took a step, I grew, I heard yeses. I heard some noes. I met a client. I met more tribe-mates and even if you?re not running your own business and can?t relate to these examples, it?s also so true in all your decisions and actions within your career.

When you?re brave and having tough conversations, when you set sights really high on where you want to grow within a company, that brave action will pay off. It may not look like what you first planned, but it?s going to be great; I promise you.

I have a little story and a side that was so much fun to watch, and it?s almost a hack. It?s a quick way to kind of regain your confidence. And the concept is this; we can borrow confidence from our past experiences. It?s right there and available for us in our own lives.

So if you?re feeling a little bit stuck and I am, again, freaking you out a little bit, asking you to take some risks and be brave, I have a little hack for you. It?s just brilliant. I was coaching a couple of very successful businesswomen last month and we had the coolest experience. We were discussing fear, how to get past it, what to do with it, diagnosing the thoughts that were triggering for them. It was a great discussion.

They could conceptually see that their minds were creating a lot of fear and they even knew they had an option of not thinking in that way. But the shift for them came when I asked, was there ever a time that you persevered and overcame a huge obstacle in your career?

They both had the most brilliant examples and I?m serious, in that moment, their eyes just lit up and they were just ready to get off the phone because they knew they could do it. They?ve realized and encouraged their own confidence or let their own confidence bloom; realizing they?d done this before, they could do it again.

There was no need for any more coaching or discussion. They were ready to hit the pavement and get to work. So when you?re doing something new ?? and it?s really common to be triggered by fear ? always remember what you?ve done before and how you got to this beautiful place in the first place. Use that knowledge to remind your fear who is boss.

I want to talk to you about something I learned almost the hard way. I really did believe, as I was building confidence as a new business owner, that I knew I?d made that decision and I really stepped in and started taking a lot of beautiful action, taking a lot of risks, and I felt like I?d done it, right; like that it was done once and for all.

But that is such a lie; we?re human beings. And I want to talk about those times where out of the blue, you?re just stymied; you are stopped in your tracks with fear a lot of procrastination, you just don?t know what?s going on, you?re a little freaked out, a little rocked.

At first, as I shared with you, I was really surprised by these moments, but don?t let them surprise you; they are totally normal. They are just part of the human experience. They can come at what we think is the most inopportune time and they slow us down. God forbid, right. I know, if I?m anything like you or you?re anything like me, we love running in fast gear. I only know one speed.

And sometimes, when we get flustered, when we get rocked, when our confidence feels like we?ve lost it, it?s a beautiful learning experience. And for me, learning to expect fear bumps, worry bumps, has been actually my most resilient skill in being confident. It sounds kind of backwards, right? But knowing what to do when they happen is really important.

So there?s a few things to remember. I hope this is helpful. When you get tripped up, just remember that nothing?s gone wrong. Next, kind of look for a pattern. Is it common when you write brave emails that you get a little freaked out? For me, it?s when I?m putting the polishing touches on a podcast and I start worrying that it?s just not good enough. It happens almost every time.

So now I expect the pattern and just allow it so it doesn?t slow me down as much. Worry absolutely appears to be necessary and it?s not. We can actually choose in those moments to not worry. I?m just going to stop worrying about this; it really is possible.

And just watch out for that inner critic. When it gets triggered, it?s just an old part of our brain?s way of trying to protect us and just recognize it for what it is. So this is what I do when those moments happen. See if they?re helpful for you. They?re like little momentary hacks.

I do have a daily practice of asking, and even in these moments, it helps me. I ask the question, what am I proud of? When I feel like I?m not getting much done and I?m getting in a spin or I?m procrastinating a lot, I just stop. What did I do today? And then I might add what am I proud of today. It?s really helpful.

And especially around wellness, I ask ? this might be a really good signal for me that I need more rest. So is there something in self-care for you? Is there something you?re not doing? If I?m not working out regularly, these fear bumps and worry triggers are so much easier to happen. It?s like my resilience is down for them.

Last but not least, just ask why; why am I so freaked out? And sometimes that next sentence that comes sounds so funny, it?s like why am I freaked out? Oh, because if I have that tough conversation with my boss he?s going to fire me. I mean, that?s just ridiculous, right? Somebody?s not going to fire you based on one conversation.

And for me, it?s always like, if I ask that question why are you freaked out, everybody?s going to stop listening to the podcast or no one?s going to work with me or my whole business is going to fail if I do this. It?s just such a lie. So asking some of these questions can really calm us down and disrupt these moments.

These questions can pull us into a much more rational space and calm us down. It can help us get back on track for sure. I loved bringing this episode to you, but it?s just the beginning. I will continue to bring facets of this experience of growing, performing, staying motivated, staying on track, staying healthy while you do it in all the episodes to come.

But don?t miss the opportunity for the resources I?m offering. There really is a resource with every episode and this month, I created the Mindset Manual. It?s a series of questions really, helping you to dive into the mindset topics I?ve offered this month.

The first was motivation, the next was commitment, getting things done, drama around your relationships, and confident action that we spoke about today. And hold onto your seatbelts because I feel like we?re just hitting the tip of the iceberg. Just sign up to receive these in the show notes, dianamurphycoaching.com/18 or just shoot me an email and I?ll get these off to you right away, diana@dianamurphycoaching.com. Have a fabulous, empowered and confident day and if there?s anything you need, please send me an email.

Have a great day and thanks so much for listening; you just don?t know what it means. It means so much. Have a good one.

Thank you for listening to this episode of Empowered Wellness for Leaders! If you enjoyed this episode and want to learn more, download our Free Video Series: Empowered Wellness Now. Visit?dianamurphycoaching.com?to sign up today!